Place
The Card Room of the DKE House.
After dinner. Spring Semester, 1971.
Characters
Phil – ironic, arrogant
Dean – sarcastic, tetchy
Dick – aggressive, defensive
Brian – self-contained, slightly smug
Three guys around the bridge table, Dick shuffles and deals a bridge hand, Ideally, there would be two or three cigarettes going. Phil enters, cracks a beer, surveys the scene, sits, picks up his cards. Numbers indicate their positions around the table – Phil (#1), Dean (#2), Dick (#3), Brian (#4).
Phil
Who’s responsible for this piss-poor excuse for a bridge hand?
Dean
nodding to Dick
Your partner, the asshole to my left.
Dick
Yeah, right, I’m the asshole. You couldn’t make three no-trump if you had thirteen face cards. Asshole, my ass.
Brian
So it’s my bid. Pass.
Phil
Two spades.
Dean
Fuck you. Three diamonds.
Dick
Listen to this crap. You’re so full of shit, Dino. Even your bluffing is full of shit. Three hearts.
Brian
I pass.
Phil
Three spades.
Dean
Oh, fuck. I pass.
Dick
Man, you suck. You know that?
meant for Phil
Dean
to Dick
I fucking passed.
Dick
My partner. The stupid fuck across the table.
Brian
Pass.
Dick
Did you hear me bid? Did you? Four hearts.
Brian
Fuck you. Pass.
Phil
Pass.
Dean
Pass.
Phil lays out the dummy hand
Dick
Two spades? You bid two? You’d be lucky to make one.
Dean
Shut up and play, Dick.
Dick takes four tricks in quick succession. The fifth trick get hung up as Brian ponders.
Phil
to Dean
Who are you bringing to Houseparties.
Brian plays a card (not what was led and not a heart). Dick takes the trick.
Dean
Heartless Brian over there. I dunno. I can always get Annie from Caz.
Dick
Caz.
Brian
Caz.
Phil
Caz.
Dean
At least she’s a known quantity. And she can deal with the sanitary situation in the DKE House during Houseparty Weekend. And she’ll keep up till Sunday morning and Gin & Juice. Which is more than I can say for you fuckin’ wusses.
Dick leads. Dean takes the trick.
Dick
So that’s where that was. Okay, Dean.
Dean
And this.
Dean leads a diamond, takes trick. leads.
So, who’s your date, Dickie, huh? That hurtin’ chippy from Wells? The one with the . . . nocturnal propensity?
Dick
She likes you, Dino. Remember?
Dean
Remember this.
Dean leads another diamond.
Brian
So, is she coming, Dick?
Dick
There’s some question.
Dick trumps, leads.
Brian
Bummer. I can ask one of my girlfriend’s suite-mates. The blonde. You know, she hangs out at the Pub all the time. She loves to dance. And drink beer. And smoke weed.
Dick
No more Kirkland. And no more blondes.
Dummy (Phil) takes trick, leads.
Dick
So, Philip. when are you heading to Skids to pick up Mustang Sally? That woman certainly takes a nurturing interest in the men of the DKE House. Regular Mother Hen. Which, of course, makes you The Rooster.
Dummy (Phil) takes trick, leads.
Phil
We broke up. She’s going with some low-type douchebag from Dartmouth now. I’m not gonna have a date this time, I decided. Fuck it. Too much hassle at this point. I’ll find some chick to keep me occupied. There are plenty of ignored dates and they’re always hot to trot.
Dean
Or not.
Dick
Does this light anyone’s fire?
Dick takes trick. lays down his last two cards. Dean and Brian toss in their hands in disgust.
Brian
Wow, that was a fuckin’ lightening round. Last hand for me. I’ve got Rand’s Art History midterm day after tomorrow, so I’m going over to Major to study with my Houseparty date. First, she’ll cook me dinner, then we’ll appreciate art, and then we’ll appreciate each other. Bye, boys.